Because I Have to Hate... TV Online Dating Ads

Do you want to dig your eyes out with searingly hot spoons whenever a match.com commercial comes on? Because I do. Everytime one of those creepy-ass ads comes on, I start to feel skeezed out while watching the nervously giggling girls followed by the tagline: "It's okay to look." They are oddly reminiscent of the horrible Calvin Klein ads made to look like teen pornography from the 70's. And what's up with the one dude that looks like a pimp crossed with Peter Pan? I'm confused and feel like I need to take a shower after these voyeuristic pieces of advertising crap pass by my retinas.

Then we have the relentless barage of chemistry.com ads that feature annoying people making vows to one another while on dates in sushi bars and city parks. Vows generally consist of stupid things like "taking the recycling out even though you are way better at it." Now, maybe I'm just a bitch (ok, omit the maybe from that sentence) but if someone started promising weird-ass crap like that to me on a date, I'd be out of there faster than you could say "cucumber maki." My personal favorite (ie the one that makes me want to stab my eardrums with sharpened chopsticks) is where the girl promises to never wear a flannel nightgown and the guy says something like "Can you just promise to never wear a nightgown?" Then they both laugh annoyingly. Now, besides the fact that I want to vomit at the idea of a bunch of ad writers in Dockers laughing at their own "joke" in a self-congratulatory way as they identify with this total tool, I just have to state the obvious here... these ads don't make me want to meet, have sex with, or vow anything to any of these people! Now, to be fair, chemistry.com does feature a same-sex couple in one of their ads and before the horrid "vow" campaign, they had a fantastic "rejected" campaign where they challenged...
the Holy Grail of horrendous online dating ads. Yes, I am talking about eHarmony.com. Ugh. Could there be a more repugnant display of sanitized blather about love and destiny anywhere on tv? (Not to mention, the founder is a crazy Christian and eHarmony still won't allow same-sex matching on their site and tried to force media not to run chemistry.com ads exposing this.)

However, what really makes me crazy are the couples who are routinely featured as the success stories for eHarmony. They usually go on and on about how they found the perfect soulmate and I just want to start stabbing them in the head. Especially that douchebag Lee and his little puppet Anne Marie. I really want to stab them in the head. Could they find a more smarmy guy than Lee to feature? The whole time I just sit there fuming and wondering what their story will look like in two years when Lee is feeling trapped by Anne Marie wanting a baby so he starts going out to the strip club with his buddies a few nights a week and she starts getting angry because he's gone all the time and starts pouring her energy into decorating the condo.

Call me old-fashioned but I'd prefer some truth in advertising for these online dating sites. How about a girl talking about how match.com provided her a bunch of hook-ups with losers to falsely soothe her low self-esteem until she found a loser slightly better than the others (or, at least, one of the only ones that would call her back after a fuck or two) that she finally settled for? Or the guy who uses dating primarly to fill a void in his social life because he is a computer programmer with few friends and even fewer real live girls in his life? Or the single mom who needs to field the guys who are willing to date someone with three kids and an ex-husband? Or the lesbian who is seeking out another lesbian that doesn't smoke, doesn't have pets, and doesn't want children? Yeah... those ads would not only be truthful but they'd sure as hell be 100% more interesting. (And they'd probably be less likely to make me all head-stabby. Probably.)

Because I Have to Hate... McCafe Commercials

Ok, so... McDonald's is now serving espresso-type drinks as part of their menu. After years of commercials focusing in on the "urban market" (read: low-income minority groups) as part of the "I'm Lovin' It" campaign, McDonald's is now targeting blue-collar white people who enjoy specialty coffee drinks. Yes, McDonald's is attempting to convince consumers that the only reason that people frequent places that serve lattes and cappucinos is because they enjoy the coffee beverages. Their current "Intellectuals" ad campaign shows people who, upon finding out about McCafe, express glee at the fact they don't have to pretend to enjoy the atmosphere of a Starbucks-like environment anymore in order to access said espresso beverages.

Now, Dunkin' Donuts used a similar tactic when it introduced lattes to their menu which spoke to the pretentiousness of having to order things that sounded "French... or Italian... or maybe Fretalian" with the appeal to the blue-collar individuals that WOULD feel uncomfortable sitting in a Starbucks for any length of time. (My mother comes to mind.) However, to suggest that people who DO go to small coffee houses or to Starbucks are somehow pretending to like it is ridiculous.

The thing that I particularly despise about this ad campaign is how McDonald's, in attempting to address the blue-collar aversion to coffee houses, begins listing all of the things that these espresso-loving patrons are free to do (or not do) now that they are somehow able to extricate themselves from the chains that bind them to Starbucks. Some of the examples include:

• wanting to show their knees again
• admit that they don't know where Paraguay is
• finally wearing heels again
• not having to listen to jazz
• watching reality television and reading gossip magazines
• confess that they don't know French
• watching football
• removing their fake eyeglasses

Is McDonald's really trying to suggest that bunches of women out there are just dying to wear short skirts and heels but feel they can't do so because of espresso-based coffee shops? Are they really trying to convince me that many people in coffee shops are morons who are just pretending to know things like geography or foreign language in order to sip on a frozen coffee drink? Or that people who spend time in Starbucks are just itching to get out to their car to listen to Kid Rock or Kanye?

Ok, I can honestly tell you that my aversion to wearing high heels has NOTHING to do with wanting a latte from Starbucks. I wouldn't wear a short skirt if you paid me. I know where Paraguay is. And I'm not going to pretend that I know French... no matter where I am purchasing coffee. Quite simply, McDonald's can suck it. I am tired of advertisers promoting the idea that to be truly American means to be ignorant, uncultured, and self-exploitative. And, quite simply, who can imagine enjoying a quiet discussion with a friend over coffee while sitting at McDonald's smelling the aroma of lard-soaked meat products, trying to keep your arms from touching the sticky tables, and being caught up in a glare-down with the annoying toddler at the next table who won't stop looking at you with snot running down his face?

Because I Have to Hate... Sarah Palin

Former Beauty Queen. Seriously... can anyone think of any other "former" ANYTHING that a woman could be that would piss me off more? Women who become entrenched in the pageant world help to perpetuate unrealistic standards of beauty. Not to mention, they are generally vapid individuals who believe that women exist to compete with each other, to be leered at, and to be judged. In other words, Sarah Palin has in her background the desire to squash all other women at all costs in order to win a sash and crown. I mean, really... would you want this contestant to be Vice President someday?

Forced Rape Survivors to Pay for Rape Kit. I don't really think I need to say more, but I will anyway. Sarah Palin rejected federal funding that would pay for rape survivors to have a forensic medical exam and invoiced survivors after their ordeal. Do you understand the implication of this action? Women, who sometimes have a difficult time reporting sexual assault to begin with, had to consider whether they could afford medical treatment before reporting. This potentially aids perpetrators in committing future assaults. Is this the kind of woman you want anywhere near the White House?

Irresponsible Breeder of Children (and Grandchildren.) Stop fucking having kids already! Didn't getting knocked up by YOUR high school boyfriend teach you that maybe you should help your daughter to practice safe sex? Of course it didn't. As with many irresponsible, batshit-crazy, right-wing zealots, you believe that women exist as incubators and should not curb their baby-making for any reason. Even if technologically possible to do so. Indeed, you seem to believe that unplanned children are "a gift from God." Well, I say that God (non-existent) should send gift receipts with those fuckers so that people could exchange them for, say, some nice throw pillows or a new blender from Target.

Psychopathic, Blood-Thirsty, Gun-Crazy Murderer. Even if you are NOT an animal rights activist, I think that most sane people realize that it is sick and twisted to hunt wild animals today. Indeed, how can we acknowledge that most psychopaths have symptoms of ritualistic animal abuse in their past and then glorify someone who kills animals with their children? Not to mention trying to keep polar bears from the endangered species list so that more hunters could come and kill these animals who are fast on their way to extinction. Not to mention putting a $150 bounty on the front forepaw of any wolves killed in Alaska. Fucking psychotic.

And the #1 Reason Why I Have to Hate Sarah Palin... because she would overturn Roe v. Wade. Enough said.

Because I Have to Hate... Facebook

So, I broke down and joined Facebook. I'm not sure why I did it. I can tell you that I didn't think it was possible, but Facebook is even more shallow and frivolous than MySpace. At least there is content on MySpace... Facebook simply lets you know what friend has "Superpoked" another friend. WTF? Look, if someone is actually getting superpoked, I prefer it to be written on their MySpace blog and include all the juicy details... not some stupid cyber application designed for middle school kids. Not to mention, Facebook automatically presents you with people you "might know" due to your connections or mutual friends. So, when I log onto Facebook, I get to see a photo of my ex-boyfriend! Thanks for THAT daily gift, Facebook! Call me reclusive, bitter, and secretive, but I much prefer the fact that on MySpace, one has to actually go LOOKING for people that you might want to reconnect with.

Because I Have to Hate... Katy Perry

Ugh... lesbians and feminists alike need to stop identifying with Katy Perry's song "I Kissed A Girl." I get why mainstream boys and faux lesbians of the "Girls Gone Wild" persuasion are listening to this overly-marketed, self-exploitative piece of crap but everyone else with a brain and a general proclivity for respecting women needs to stop posting this song on their MySpace profiles. Katy Perry needs to be stopped. And, in my humble opinion, needs to be sued by Jill Sobule for ripping off her song title and basically raping Jill's original idea of using a sweet, sentimental song to explore the first awakenings at the possibility of being with a woman.